Jesus...the King?

As I am, yes, washing dishes something occurs to me, Jesus died to be my savior but rose again to be King. I realize He isn't always Lord of my life. I have accepted Him as savior, yet not as Lord. When I feel like I am missing out on the 'abundant life' He promises it's always because I have yet, again, taken the throne. By doing so I reject the eternal and abundant life He provides in His resurrection. That day Jesus is not living in me. I am living in me. A zombie Lori has taken over. I was thinking about Jesus being evident in me. He says we will be known as His by our love. It's easy to love orphaned children in Haiti. It's easy to love the homeless man under the tree in the Walmart parking lot. It's easy to love the single mother with four daughters next door. It's easy to love my children..... when they are sleeping. It's easy to love my husband..... when he is away. What about when the opportunities to love intimately are shoved in my face?? Those who know me better than anyone know Lori in and of herself is a very ugly person. By God's grace and the love of Jesus that transcends flesh and humanity they are able to love me despite my horribleness and look to the future hope of Jesus being glorified in me. It's not easy to love people that you don't like. It's definitely not our first, or even second choice BUT this is where that de-throning action takes place. I have to let God's grace and the love of Jesus that is crazy about said person supersede my knowing their flesh by my flesh. I am so curious because yesterday I was in tears all day over two children in Haiti that I was gathering supplies for to send to them in a love package, longing to hug them and communicate the father's heart full of love to them, but today I find myself disdainfully rushing my children through the motions of dinner, homework, bed prep, etc. so that I can get them out of my hair. Maybe I am the only horrible person out there who finds it difficult to be loving to those closest to me, but just in case I am not, I confess, my heart of compassion and patience abounds towards people I hardly know but when it comes down to really being 1Corinthians 13 to my home dwellers: it seems impossible. It comes so unnaturally to me to love and to be loving, perhaps even to be lovable. I know that it's imperative that I allow Jesus to be King in my life, yet time and time again my ugly flesh just plops itself right in that seat wearing the crown. Lord, I don't want to be so arrogant, so disobedient that I strut around wearing a crown that is only suited for your precious head. I want to love with your heart. I know you feel about my children the same way you feel about the children in Haiti that I allow myself to be so broken over. Your heart, your love is not selective. Forgive me for being as such with it.