Sometimes I say the "F" word.....

 Galatians 1:24 "And they glorified God because of me." 

         For most of you who are mothers and wives that are not of the Super Human DNA type, you can relate to those days, or weeks, or even months, that just turn out to be one of "those" moments in your life you refer to as "seasons" in hopes that you will convince yourself to grace through because surely it can't last forever. The ol' "This too shall pass" ointment meant to soothe the raw wear of life on your heart. I will preface the rest of this blog by saying, I'm about to hemorrhage all over the place, so brace yourselves. I do so, not because I am breeching the edge of a proverbial cliff and can no longer contain emotional stability, although I do have those encounters with myself, this is not one of those times. I am writing because I know being a woman is difficult. Being a mother is difficult. Being a wife is difficult. Being a Christian is difficult. Existing on this planet, in this life, attempting to fulfill whatever role you are in is DIFFICULT. And doing so while camouflaging all the ugly that our flesh and this broken world produces is damn near impossible. I said a cuss word. Because sometimes, I do. I have managed, through a lot of grace and perseverance from Jesus to participate with the self control that the Holy Spirit heaps out in great measure on my account, to rid our lives of the Hulk-esque transformations that used to make an appearance. But, occasionally, I say the "F" word. I don't say it to my children, I don't say it in the presence of my children and sometimes it's an exasperated, broken "F" word in my head. But it's there. Why all the bombs?, you ask. Because I am not perfect. I am not, by any means advocating 'cussing', or whatever that less-than-Christ-like behavior that occasionally makes an appearance in your life is, but I am saying I would be a liar and a hypocrite to pretend I don't have ugly that hangs out some times. I used to think being a Christian was about sucking in all my fat. Strapping on my spiritual girdle and prancing around with my shiny new penny look. Some of you get what I'm saying, and some of you don't. That's ok. This is for those who have struggled through the pretending to find the real thing in Jesus that you couldn't quite explain was missing. This is for every mother who has wondered what was wrong with her because no sleep and heaps of dishes and laundry didn't hurl her into a joyful tizzy.
    The past month has been a hum-dinger for me. Without exposing too many other people's hardships, as most of you know Cory and I are in process of gaining temporary custody of my two nephews and niece. You heard me right, and you probably, hopefully, added that up correctly. Seven kids. I know. To up the ante, they are all under the age of 5. Everyone thinks this is a crazy idea, WE even think this is a crazy idea. In fact some people are probably secretly waiting for me to fall flat on my face in this, you know, in a concerned, love-of-Jesus sort of way where they're just so worried about you because they can't wrap their minds around such a radical display of obedience and love. And that's ok, too, I've had to work through a lot of 'letting it go', thank you Frozen.  This entire ordeal has caused as you can imagine, some strains in personal relationships. Some disapproval. Some disappointment. Some unforeseen costs, externally and internally. My own children are responding to the weight of such a huge decision in their own ways, which are inevitably adding a dysfunction to our house hold. Everything is pretty disheveled at the moment.
        I am unsure of a lot of things. BUT I am certain of some things, and those things matter so much more than the pressure, pain, sweat, blood and tears of walking this out. GOD HAS NOT LEFT ME ALONE IN THIS. GOD HAS CALLED ME TO THIS. GOD HAS GONE AHEAD BEFORE ME. HE IS WORKING ALL OF THIS, EVEN THE HARD STUFF, FOR MY BENEFIT AND FOR HIS GLORY.  Galatians 1:10 says, " For am I now seeking the approval of man, or of God? Or am I trying to please man? If I were still trying to please man, I would not be a servant of Christ." The reference to pleasing man also refers to pleasing myself. My life always looks absurd to many people on the outside, sheesh, it looks impossible to me most days. I used to have these grandiose imaginations of my serving God in foreign countries, hugging on babies in remote villages, speaking with passion and eloquence on stage in front of thousands of women, teaching Bible studies, heading up women's groups or young adults' going ons. I have learned, at times, painstakingly that my mission field is right here. It's being the absolute clearest view of Jesus to my children, of the Grace of Jesus to the doubters, neigh-sayers, and fellow-strugglers, and of a beacon of joy, light and hope to the darkness in the world around me and to the darkness I come across that's within me at times. Sure, I say the "F" word (gasp), and Jesus loves me any ways, he doesn't bat an eye at my ugly. It doesn't shock him or deter him in the least now that I've laid my spiritual girdle down and don't bother trying to suck it up and suck it in. We bleed, sweat, cry and work it out together. Paul talks about beating our flesh into submission. Oh boy, is it a beating some days! But Romans says where sin abounds, grace abounds all the more. Beautiful, precious, amazing GRACE. Despite all my efforts, desires, failures, victories, pains, sacrifices, poor character, and intentions gone awry, I truly have only one desire, may others see me and glorify God because of me. This realization reels me back in, keeps me anchored, may I ever keep my eyes on Jesus. How I love him.
        In summation, if you can relate to this, congratulations, you're alive and you're human, and you see your need for the Savior that gave himself for you. The victory over this life is already at hand, hidden in Christ. Does that mean that you get one of those obnoxious Flash passes Six Flags offers to bypass the waiting, the heat, the pain, the reality, no, of course not because until you leave this planet you're subject to its brokenness. The victory in Christ means you endure this life with hope, joy, purpose in your pain and loss, and that the glory to God to come far exceeds any cost you endure in this life. Be encouraged, friend.